For me, a big part of these experiences is how I’ve internalized the practice and of course to pick it apart in order to prove why it didn’t meet my expectations.
This retreat was no different. I wrote down that analysis with small scribbles that ended up taking about 5, A4 sized pages (they’re longer than the common letter size in the US). Even with all that I had to pick the most important information in order not to publish a novel.
After I get the rest of the stories written in my phone, I feel like I should wait to type out the lengthy analysis. Maybe just to ruminate further and discover more inconsistencies and incompatibilities. Then, as I’m watching the last discourse Goenka gives, I feel like none of my analysis matters at all. The way I analyze these techniques and traditions is no different from what I’m complaining about. I think the theme of my rants are about staying true the essence of the spiritual search and not getting caught up the ego and comparisons, but really the way I’ve looked at the experiences only perpetuates that same line of thinking.
Instead, I want to just take what did work, incorporate it into my approach, and then move on with my search. At least at this point in my life, the only thing I’m interested in is finding what works for me and just following my intuition when I think it doesn’t.
My thinking has changed from wrong and right to this way and that way. Instead of looking at the difference as a hindrance, if they don’t work for me at that moment, I’ll just store it in my experience and see if maybe it will come back up to help me in the future.